In a world were “Taken” came out almost a decade ago. In a world were the topic of human trafficking was already beaten to death long before “Taken” was a thing, and bad movies come and go seamlessly. In that same world, comes a movie in 2018 about human trafficking were the professional kidnappers are so weak at their job that they put celebrity’s ICloud passwords to shame. A script so convenient it’s criminal and twists that are a surprise to be sure, but an unwelcomed one. You guessed it sister! “Traffik” is a bad movie!

“Traffik” is a movie that kidnaps your soul (if applicable) and rots you ability to even. It’s full of dumb characters doing thing with the sole purpose trying to pushing the story somewhere without it feeling like you’re watching an abstract work. The movie is S L O W … in the sense that the movie goes nowhere in the first half of the movie and THEN it decides what it hopes to be, but it never gets to be that. The plot twists are incredibly unexpected, in a bad way. The plot twists are exactly what your evil subconscious tells you will happen, you think to yourself “There’s no way that THAT is going to happen, that’s like the worst thing they can do…”, and when you see it unfold on screen it’s just unexpected.

Here in C.H.I.E.F., we like to be fair. The writers spend no effort in the movie, so we will do as little effort in this review. The C.H.I.E.F. report will assign this “film” a deserved 3/10 and will charge this “film” with assault and will order an investigation to find out if any kidnapping was done in order to get the “film” in production.

The year is 1968. The one and only “Clint Eastwood” is everywhere in cinemas and there are no signs of nothing stopping him. And with his streak of dominating the western genre comes the chance of starting in a sweaty try hard of a film that gives “Twilight” a run for their money in the bad writing department. A movie that, if searched for online, is held in praise as if it was a different movie. Of course, we’re talking about “Hang em’ High”

As soon as the movie starts, the putrid stank of bad cinematography slaps your face. Having bad cinematography is one of the worsts aspects to attribute a film with, and, ironically, is the hardest to actually criticize because it’s difficult to explain. Everything looks awkward and uncomfortable to witness; it’s something that has to be experienced in order to understand it. The whole movie looks uninspired too, the movie does nothing visually to be recognizable in the garbage bin of movies no one cares about. The second thing you notice is that the horses teleport for convenience and there’s nothing close to something like the laws of time and physics.

The witting is as basic as a person who can’t put down their phone and the insult and a half of a romance in the movie feel like a bottom of the bin fan fiction that makes me want to have an intimate relationship with a hot bullet rather than another human. The lack of a main antagonist make the film seem as pointless as this blog. Say you are reading a story about a man picking up coins in the street, when he gets bored of picking coins, the story ends. Now, lets add something to the story, say someone is also there trying to take all the coins that the main dude tries to pick up. The story becomes more focused and there’s a sense of direction that wasn’t present before.

The final C.H.I.E.F. rating is a 3/10 and is categorized as a who cares, the movie was released around 50 years ago and no one remembers this movie and it’s a challenge itself to find the movie, let alone watch it.

In the big trashcan were all the new Hollywood movie remakes end up, líes a special rotten garbage that fits the definition of “bad”, “insulting” and “regurgitation”. A pile and a half of green neon puke that’s filled with social politic and a whole serving of bad jokes with extremely high levels of sodium tailor made to ruin the long beaten reputation of the original. You guessed it, the first C.H.I.E.F. certified review will be for “Ghostbusters 2016”

The movie features a cast of “stong female leads” that has the actresses struggling for a good performance due to the incredible used toilet paper of a script that holds the movie toghether. The digital effects are beyond fake looking and all the ghosts look like they were made out of the worst shades of neon green imaginable. The sound mixing is useless; there is no point of hearing the movie with at least a stereo system as the movie doesn’t use surround.

It makes no sense that this film was approved for public consumption, just like the plot of the movie, it makes no sense.

In conclution, the department of C.H.I.E.F. has issued a sease and decist order in response to this “film”. Citizens are ordered to stay indoors and avoid any contact with the outside world untill the, now categorized, threat is eliminated. All copies of “Ghostbusters 2016” will be destroyed on sight. This movie, now named a threat, gets a rating of 2/10.

Morale is low here in captivity. My freedom has not been granted but only taken further away behind the task of clipping an image to this post.

DONE, for now