“Escape Room” C.H.I.E.F. review

Bad movies rain from the sky, and January is the rainiest month. January floods the market with a blessing of the worst movies of the year. It’s a tradition that no January has been able to escape. And ironically, we will review “Escape Room”.

This movie holds an incredible ability to transmit the warm feeling of excrement flowing though your intestines, it bores you to near death and slaps your face with an ending that screams “F R A N C H I S E”. With an all star cast of generic characters you don’t care about, the movie is already locked in its own inescapable trap. A script that is straight forward with predictable events that don’t change the story that’s tailor made for you to forget about it in 2 days, and you should forget it. There is nothing of importance in this movie, so we will just cut to the chase and talk about the ending. That ending is the example of a company getting greedy and forget about making a good movie and just making a franchise that they can milk. IT is so badly thought out and executed that is mind-blowing.

In the end, nobody saw this movie (as the box office numbers suggest), so it is not considered a threat. IT is just a movie that came and went and, thankfully, no one remembers. The final score is a 2/10.

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“Pan” C.H.I.E.F. review

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Image owned by: Walt Disney Studios

Disney has made it clear over the years that they are willing to kill anything for a quick buck and the only things that they have managed to kill are their own franchises and our childhoods. One franchise that was strangled to death while being injected vinegar in it’s bloodstream and later on beaten to the point of being unrecognizable was Peter Pan. Today, C.H.I.E.F. will review the child abuse that is “Pan”, the Peter Pan live action remake.

For starters, the original story was focused on kids, and kids don’t usually act well. The movie was able to cast and misdirect the worst possible children they could find, that means, the ACTOR OF THE PROTAGONIST of the movie is awful. Everyone, including the adult actors are doing their worst attempt they could take out of their soul. The CGI, which the film has over abundance, goes from “yeah, it looks fake” to having a mental evacuation due to such visual disgust. The plot is as predictable as watching a car crashing into a wall and is just not good. The dialogue is just exposition breastfed to the audience and the occasional joke that is so awful it hits the spot. The music is out of place, just like my presence when i watched it in theaters.

The final rating that C.H.I.E.F. will assign to this movie is a 1/10. The movie is so incredibly incompetent at everything that it’s not even categorized as a threat. It’s just so beyond painful to the point where the body doesn’t register the pain and it becomes a mentally unbearable bore fest. Every copy of this movie will be taken to a special needs institution and will have their data wiped completely.

“Captain Marvel” C.H.I.E.F. review

The superhero movie genre has been milked to near death to the point were it starts to milk blood, and the farmer keeps going. We live in a reality were we have more disposable superhero movies than times we got Paranormal Activity-ed slaps to the face. And to make the next installment in the MCU more mediocre, comes a movie with the same formula as almost all of the previous installments but with a HUGE INNOVATION!, it is (apparently) the FIRST FILM IN HISTORY TO HAVE A S T O N G F E M A L E PROTAGONIST!, and it has a busy agenda, but missed all it’s appointments. The certified review of this meeting is for “Captain Marvel”

The movie has the a perfect talent for being as boring as life it self. This comes from the fact that the movie is uninspired; there is nothing in this movie that makes it stand out from all of the other personal attacks made to our wallets, demanding our money with an inflated 3D ticket price. At least “Ghostbusters 2016” used the color knows as green puke to stand out among the garbage. The movie suffers from the Who? What? When? problem we’re used from seeing in movies with a bad script and it CONTRADICTS fundamental statements and events from the MCU, if the movie is part of a “cinematic universe”, then it must follow a path placed by it’s previous entries in the franchise. Special effects in the film go from O K to garbage really fast, the movie aged when it wasn’t even released. In fact, there are rumors from our intelligence team that says that the movie has gotten phone calls from the early 2000, asking for their special effects back.

Don’t go see “Captain Marvel” in theaters, just ask someone what happens in the film or look for a spoiler review online. If you saw the film, then you deserve to have gotten your money taken by “Disney”, you should’ve known from the trailers the quality of the film. The C.H.I.E.F. rating for this film is a 4/10, and will be filled in the database as the movie won’t be remembered in less than a year.

“Traffik” C.H.I.E.F. review

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Image owned by: Hidden Empire Film Group

In a world were “Taken” came out almost a decade ago. In a world were the topic of human trafficking was already beaten to death long before “Taken” was a thing, and bad movies come and go seamlessly. In that same world, comes a movie in 2018 about human trafficking were the professional kidnappers are so weak at their job that they put celebrity’s ICloud passwords to shame. A script so convenient it’s criminal and twists that are a surprise to be sure, but an unwelcomed one. You guessed it sister! “Traffik” is a bad movie!

“Traffik” is a movie that kidnaps your soul (if applicable) and rots you ability to even. It’s full of dumb characters doing thing with the sole purpose trying to pushing the story somewhere without it feeling like you’re watching an abstract work. The movie is S L O W … in the sense that the movie goes nowhere in the first half of the movie and THEN it decides what it hopes to be, but it never gets to be that. The plot twists are incredibly unexpected, in a bad way. The plot twists are exactly what your evil subconscious tells you will happen, you think to yourself “There’s no way that THAT is going to happen, that’s like the worst thing they can do…”, and when you see it unfold on screen it’s just unexpected.

Here in C.H.I.E.F., we like to be fair. The writers spend no effort in the movie, so we will do as little effort in this review. The C.H.I.E.F. report will assign this “film” a deserved 3/10 and will charge this “film” with assault and will order an investigation to find out if any kidnapping was done in order to get the “film” in production.

“Hang em’ High”C.H.I.E.F. review

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Image owned by: “Leonard Freeman Production”

The year is 1968. The one and only “Clint Eastwood” is everywhere in cinemas and there are no signs of nothing stopping him. And with his streak of dominating the western genre comes the chance of starting in a sweaty try hard of a film that gives “Twilight” a run for their money in the bad writing department. A movie that, if searched for online, is held in praise as if it was a different movie. Of course, we’re talking about “Hang em’ High”

As soon as the movie starts, the putrid stank of bad cinematography slaps your face. Having bad cinematography is one of the worsts aspects to attribute a film with, and, ironically, is the hardest to actually criticize because it’s difficult to explain. Everything looks awkward and uncomfortable to witness; it’s something that has to be experienced in order to understand it. The whole movie looks uninspired too, the movie does nothing visually to be recognizable in the garbage bin of movies no one cares about. The second thing you notice is that the horses teleport for convenience and there’s nothing close to something like the laws of time and physics.

The witting is as basic as a person who can’t put down their phone and the insult and a half of a romance in the movie feel like a bottom of the bin fan fiction that makes me want to have an intimate relationship with a hot bullet rather than another human. The lack of a main antagonist make the film seem as pointless as this blog. Say you are reading a story about a man picking up coins in the street, when he gets bored of picking coins, the story ends. Now, lets add something to the story, say someone is also there trying to take all the coins that the main dude tries to pick up. The story becomes more focused and there’s a sense of direction that wasn’t present before.

The final C.H.I.E.F. rating is a 3/10 and is categorized as a who cares, the movie was released around 50 years ago and no one remembers this movie and it’s a challenge itself to find the movie, let alone watch it.

“Ghostbusters 2016” C.H.I.E.F. review

In the big trashcan were all the new Hollywood movie remakes end up, líes a special rotten garbage that fits the definition of “bad”, “insulting” and “regurgitation”. A pile and a half of green neon puke that’s filled with social politic and a whole serving of bad jokes with extremely high levels of sodium tailor made to ruin the long beaten reputation of the original. You guessed it, the first C.H.I.E.F. certified review will be for “Ghostbusters 2016”

The movie features a cast of “stong female leads” that has the actresses struggling for a good performance due to the incredible used toilet paper of a script that holds the movie toghether. The digital effects are beyond fake looking and all the ghosts look like they were made out of the worst shades of neon green imaginable. The sound mixing is useless; there is no point of hearing the movie with at least a stereo system as the movie doesn’t use surround.

It makes no sense that this film was approved for public consumption, just like the plot of the movie, it makes no sense.

In conclution, the department of C.H.I.E.F. has issued a sease and decist order in response to this “film”. Citizens are ordered to stay indoors and avoid any contact with the outside world untill the, now categorized, threat is eliminated. All copies of “Ghostbusters 2016” will be destroyed on sight. This movie, now named a threat, gets a rating of 2/10.